"Employese 101 - Language of the Job Hunt"- May 24, 1993 Edition
Contact: Larry Jaffe, Senior Editor,
DM News, 100 Avenue of the Americas, New York NY 10013
Phone: 1(212)925-7300 Fax: 1(212)925-8758 e-mail:editor@dmnews.com
For those of you who've just
joined the ranks of the unemployed, everything has changed about job hunting-especially
the language. As a humanitarian service, this unemployed writer is going
to walk you through a translation of "Employese", as spoken in
Personnel Department and Help Wanted sections across America: "The person you'd be replacing is leaving to pursue other things".
Their age and salary were too high, so we made life miserable for them until they quit. We want someone naive, ambitious, or hungry enough to work twice as long as them for half the pay.
"My career was going in a direction I didn't like".
I was in the same shoes as the person you're dumping, only I was able to read the writing on the wall. Since I've proven I know the lingo and know the score, YOU know that that's all you're going to get out of me.
"While your qualifications are impressive, they do not quite match the skills we are looking for".
Why in the world would we hire someone as qualified as we are, who can see right through our B.S., and who'll leave the second he figures out our business enough to start his own?
"We're not a 9 to 5 company".
We're a 5 (A.M) to 9 (P.M.) company. Unless we relocate you above the Arctic Circle, you'll never see the sun again.
"We're looking for committed team players".
We genuflect before the picture of the founder and salute the statue of the CEO every morning. The Charge of the Light Brigade is on the inside cover of the company manual-memorize it over the holiday.
"We're a dynamic young company expecting 300% growth this year".
Our founder is a 25 year old hot dog who wants revenge on his old company, and has overextended himself in the process. We have to hire some people just to distribute the memos he sends and revises every five minutes.
"Must be flexible, work well under pressure, and be able to handle many tasks at once".
We're not even going to PRETEND that this is an opportunity. Only COMPLETE Masochists and those living on Pet Food need apply.
"Your references speak very well of you".
Try to get some who are halfway decent actors
"We're a nationally known leader in the field of..."
Our field is so obscure that our annual conference is held in a broom closet. If you've added something to our folder on America Online, you're a nationally known leader too.
"We're an Entrepreneurial Organization".
We like to hire obnoxious egomaniacs, get them to hate each others guts, and laugh all the way to the bank as they work their butts off one-upping each other.
"We're a Total Quality Management company"
The import quotas on our Japanese competition are about to expire, so we're going to have to do what we should have been doing all along.
"We're a Customer-Driven organization".
Our Engineering and Marketing people haven't come up with a decent idea since the Cuban missile crisis, so we thought we'd try reading our complaint letters.
"Our company has never laid off an employee".
Sometimes we make the mistake of hiring someone with ethics. If they're competent, they leave on their own in six months. If they're marginal, we torture them out.
"Our people are the backbone of our organization".
Our people break their backbones so we can get our six figure bonuses.
"Must have 3 to 5 years experience in..."
We don't know what the hell we're looking for, but have to be able to say you looked good on paper if you don't work out.
"Must be an aggressive self starter".
We need someone who can 1.) torture someone out of a company, 2.) set up an entrepreneurial organization, 3.) enjoy the power of being the boss for $50 a week more than his underlings, and 4.) be flexible, work well under pressure, and be able to handle many tasks at once. Retail Managers are encouraged to apply.
"We're looking to the future and beyond".
Someone in a basement 20 miles north of Pierre, South Dakota is putting the finishing touches on a machine that will put us out of business within two years. Break out the golden parachutes.
"I have to review your notes with the department manager; we should make a decision sometime next week".
I need an aggressive self starter and committed team player with 3 to 5 years experience in an entrepreneurial, customer driven, total quality management company that's a nationally known leader in its field. You'll get a form letter sometime next month.
©1993 C.E. Vermette-All Rights Reserved